Cats 101: A Play in one Act

RACK-N-ROLL:

ANGEL-ASS, he's pooping! He's pooping in my bed! Ew now he's licking it!! Ahhhh no!

ME:

Is it pink?

RACK-N-ROLL:

Yes!

ANGEL-ASS:

That's his penis.

RACK-N-ROLL:

No it's coming from his butt!

ME:

I promise, that's his penis.

ANGEL-ASS:

It's retractable...that's how he cleans himself.

RACK-N-ROLL

Gross!

*fin*

STORYTIMESTORYTIMESTORYTIME

The television was at a decent volume, so I didn't hear the sound of our night changing. All had been going well with LESTER, our grey mancat, especially considering that he had just moved into an apartment with two girlcats who were only interested in doing dainty girlcat things (BOY do I know the feeling). ANGEL-ASS was in our bedroom feeding the voracious beast that is her eBay addiction...when it happened.

I. A sound

I only heard a second-hand description of the sound from ANGEL-ASS, but her description was more than adequate. I imagine a sound similar to the flatulent byte used by morning radio hosts (perhaps the very underbelly of entertainment) or to that emanating from KFC's lavatories. The sound, friends, was only the beginning.

"LESTER what have you DONE?? OH NOOOOOOOO!" -ANGEL-ASS

II. A sight

Well...we all know what poop looks like. I won't describe it. The location, however, was a key element in the overall experience. Our bathroom mat (Requiescat in pace) was decorated with palm trees, stitched beautifully into a soft white background. The "delivery," as I shall call it hereafter (since I'm already weary of typing "poop"), was placed most artfully at the canopy of one of the palm trees. At first glance this gave the viewer the impression that the delicately stitched trunk of the palm tree pattern was drawn to support the delivery. Had I no sense of smell, the delivery would have been commendable for its use of contrast, since I must admit that it made the negative space in the picture much more agreeable. I am no art critic, but still I cannot imagine any connoisseur of modern art taking offense.

"STOP staring at it and get me an wet rag, the bleach, a trash bag and a scented candle!" -ANGEL-ASS

III. A smell

It smelled like shit. Once we put the scented candle in the bathroom it smelled like shit and raspberries.

"How much were those bath mats we were looking at in WalMart?" -ANGEL-ASS

*fin*

Headlines:

LESTER went to the vet, where we found out that he is 12.8 pounds ("slightly overweight," just like his dad) and probably between five and seven years old (older than we originally thought).

MOTC Scale:

Today I introduce a weekly feature of this blog, in which I take one revealing quote from my girlfriend's mouth every week and rate it on the MOTC scale. The scale is from 1 to 10, with 10 being "Bitch is a crazy cat lady," five being "Boyfriend and cats are of equal value," and one being "My boyfriend means more to me than any animal."

QUOTE:

"I just want to move to Colorado and live with a bunch of animals and make cat toys and sell them on eBay!" -ANGEL-ASS

MOTC Rating: 7.4