FINE. FINE.

I'll update my damn blog, since ANGEL-ASS and RACK-N-ROLL want me to.

"WE WANT UPDATES, WE'RE SO IMPATIENT CUZ WE'RE GURLZ."

YEAH, that's what you sound like.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'M DRUNK.

perfect time for a blog update.

LESTER. LESTERRRRRRRR. He done shit in the bathroom, but not in his litter box. He'll piss in his litter box, but not shit. Nope. No siree. Poop goes on the floor. Badsmell goes in my room. We're running out of matches to light the scented candles that ANGEL-ASS left behind.

In all seriousness, LESTER has gone from abandoned and put up for adoption in a PetSmart to SPOILED AS HELL in a matter of weeks. I am no longer his friend, I am merely "the one who has the dexterity to hold and operate the brush." The brush is his friend.

This is my first update since ANGEL-ASS moved to Raleigh. The balance here has shifted in favor of the men now that it is just me, LESTER and RACK-N-ROLL. ANGEL-ASS took the girls with her to Raleigh where they can do battle with her downstairslesbianneighbors'dog RILEY. I have met RILEY once and I already know that the cats are not going to get along with RILEY. This blog, however, is not about RILEY/Raleigh. It's about me. Or the cats.

I am here in the apartment with LESTER. I cannot imagine a more loving and spoiled cat. Here is how a day unfolds when LESTER is your cat:

5:35-6:00AM LESTER enters the room purring loud enough to rouse you from your dreams, but not loud enough to wake you entirely.

6:15-6:30AM LESTER realizes that you are sleeping, but also becomes aware that sun has risen. Cat logic dictates that since all the other attention he gets is given while the sun is up, the sunrise marks the beginning of the "pay attention to LESTER" hours. He meows for a few minutes to no avail (I hear him, but I ignore him) and then he searches my desk for papers to rustle. Once he has found a piece of paper that makes sufficient noise he rustles it until he gets a tangible response.

6:45-7:15AM I cannot sleep through the rustling of paper any longer. I use a diversion tactic to procure a few more minutes of satisfying sleep: I pull the blinds on the window open about a foot so that LESTER can look outside. I congratulate myself on my strategic brilliance, but my own-horn tooting is premature. LESTER runs eagerly to the windowsill like a slave on the underground railroad spotting the Canadian border, but it is all an act. LESTER has no desire to be look outside. He knows that the only perch from which he can see over the sill is my pillow, so before I put my head back down he sits squarely in the indentation of my head. I now have to try to sleep on the corner of the pillow while he pretends to looks outside.

7:30-8:00AM My alarm goes off once and I hit the snooze button. My alarm goes off a second time and I hit the snooze button. My alarm goes off a third time and I hit the snooze button. Each time my alarm goes off, LESTER takes it as a call to action. He renews his resolution to get me to pay attention to him, and when I try to ignore him he settles back into his place on the bed knowing that the next alarm is only nine minutes away. He has nine lifetimes to wait...what's another nine minutes?

8:00AM-11:00PM LESTER wanders in and out of my room meowing and rubbing against every solid object he can find until I play with him. Within five tosses of the mouse toy he gets bored and reverts to rubbing against me as if to say, "No, seriously, try harder." I pull out the laser toy and he puts about forty-five seconds of solid, All-ACC effort into catching it, then he gives up. "Look, you really need to do better than that." I then use my coveted opposable thumb to hold the brush while he rubs against it, rendering me unable to type, read, write or study in any way. The brush satisfies him for about ten minutes, but unless he decides it is time for one of his epic naps I can expect him to return for more attention.

That is LESTER. That is my blog post. If you have discovered any errors in my spelling or grammar or just in my syntax in general, know that it's because IIIIIIIIIIIIII'M DRUNK.

BEDTIME, SUCKAZ!