A Challenge

Friends, we are in the midst of a grand experiment!

In days of old, standards for manhood were set by jousting. This phallic display was a test of bravery, pitting man against man at break-neck speeds to impress the ladies whose favors were tied to his ardently wielded lance. Hehe. Dirty.

Those days are gone. I have pawned my lance in expectation that jousting competitions will be few and far between. However, ANGEL-ASS has devised a new way of determining whether I am worthy of her affection. She has left me alone in the apartment and charged me with the care of three cats for 24 hours. I am to feed them, freshen their water, play with them and provide them with the same attention that their beloved ANGEL-ASS would.

THOSE, however, are not the challenges. The challenge is that I must, with a swift dexterity and with great care for the animal's comfort provide LESTER with antibiotics to sooth his acute feline dyspepsia (read: his puking and shitting everywhere). To do this I must, with the stealth of a field mouse, sneak up behind LESTER, wrench apart his jaw, force into his throat half a tablet of medicine and escape before he mauls my good Christian face off. I am even charged with purchasing Pepcid AC for him (YEAH, FURREAL). There is no work so noble as this, I do here submit.

I shall here publish my letter to said maid.

MY DEAREST AND MOST FAIR LADY ANGEL-ASS,

I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE, MISTRESS, PROVIDED THAT YOU ARE OF NOBLE OR RESPECTABLE BIRTH! IS YOUR FATHER AT THE VERY LEAST A LANDOWNER AND DO YOU PROMISE A DOWRY? WHY SHOULD I NOT CHOOSE A WOMAN OF THE DOG PERSUASION TO BETTER MY CHANCES OF FAVOR, HOWEVER ANGELIC YOUR ASS PROVES TO BE? WHERE DO YOU STAND ON THE KING'S GREAT MATTER? SHOULD THAT LILY-LIVER'D M. LUTHER RAISE AN ARMY OF HERETICS WILL YOU REMAIN A SUBJECT OF THE ONE TRUE FAITH? SEND WORD WRITTEN IN YOUR OWN DELICATE HAND FORTHWITH!

MOST HUMBLY AND EXPECTANTLY YOURS,
MElvin ORtega THEodore CATSwick IX, 13th EARL OF SHAFTESBURY (look it up)