...and his name is LESTER and he was declawed by his previous owner so he bats at things instead of attacking them and he doesn't know how to cover his poop in the litter box and sometimes to avoid that embarrassment he simply shits on the mat outside the litter box...and DORA doesn't like him for reasons other than the aforementioned because she's a little pussy but we know she'll warm up to him once she realizes that he's not stealing her awesome laserpointer toys...and it should be pointed out that SNOOZY is once again the picture of grace and diplomacy except for when LESTER forgets to bow deeply as he approaches her throne...and I know that having three cats makes ANGEL-ASS a cat lady and I know that I will have to take on some cat qualities if I hope to stay with her but I think that's a risk I'm willing to take especially if she gets this job at Enterprise that pays biggirlmoney because then she can be my sugamama and buy me drinks and Yankee hammers.
Now you know where I stand.
I am a man living with five roommates. I date one of them. Three of them are cats. One of the cats is male.
My girlfriend, who I will call ANGEL-ASS, is just out of college and she has been gaining a cat at a rate of one every six months since we began dating. Before dating her I had never lived with a cat. In fact, I had bad enough cat allergies to avoid them entirely. We moved in together after dating for about six months and after three weeks we had a cat. My allergies have subsided over the months, but even if they had not they would hardly have mattered to ANGEL-ASS.
My girlfriend's roommate, here dubbed RACK-N-ROLL, is still in school. She was not a cat person either until moving in with ANGEL-ASS. She has a special relationship with each of the cats based primarily around the fact that her room gets the sunshine during the day, making her bed the perfect warming zone.
SNOOZY is a grey tabby mix, our first cat. She is regal and unassuming and about as talkative as a cat can get. She was about a year old when we got her. She is tiny because she lost a litter at only six months of age, stunting her growth and resulting in her tragically adorable habit of licking every person she meets on the lips for as long as you can stand her scratchy tongue, as if every person she meets is one of her lost kittens.
DORA is a young tuxedo cat with half a milk-mustache and an affinity for doors. When she sees a door, she wants to be on the other side of it. When you open the door for her to slip through, she goes through it, turns around and glances at you as if to say, "Thanks, boss!" Naturally you close the door because you have done your duty (and because it's 3AM and you have work in the morning and you're going back to bed). DORA waits until you are back in bed under the covers and resting on the pillow (trying not to look at the clock). She patiently sits outside the door listening until she hears no more movement, and, satisfied that you have gotten comfortable, she begins to claw at the door from the other side. You can hear her pulling up the carpet under the door, and for ten seconds you can ignore it. However, no matter how hard you try, you cannot ignore her ensuing technique: the crescendoing howl she lets out when she realizes that she is being ignored. You will have to get up again and prop the door open so that it is no longer an obstacle for her. It is the only way to defeat her.
LESTER is our new grey mancat. He is twice the size of DORA and three times the size of SNOOZY. He is named after Detective Lester Freamon from The Wire because he looks exactly freakin' like him. It may take a while for him to develop a personality around here since he is still getting used to the fact that we are here to love him and give him a home. What we do know about him is that he purrs loudly when you get within two feet of him, and he talks softly to himself at night.
I am suddenly very aware that I am losing my grip on this situation. When a girl has two cats, she is a cat-lover. The first cat was brought home because she "can't imagine living without a cat for much longer." The second was brought home because, "Snoozy is so lonely when we're gone during the day, she need a companion!"
The third cat is a different story. Now I am in competition with the cats for the attention of my significant other. I am now having to rearrange my pillows at night so that one of the cats can sleep near our heads and I'm having to lay in just the perfect position so that one of the cats can sleep at our feet. I am not allowed to make any sudden movements or react to anything (not even SPORTS) at a volume above forty decibels for fear of being chastised for "scaring the cats." I am in love with ANGEL-ASS and I do not hate her cats (in fact often I love them just as much as any dog I've ever had), but it is hard to ignore the fact that a nexus is fast approaching.
I cannot live with four cats. Or five. Or twelve.
Someday ANGEL-ASS will have to make a decision to be a girlfriend...nay...a wife...and not a cat-lady. A day will come when she will have to walk into a Petco knowing with every ounce of her being that she will not be leaving with a cat, no matter how tragic the cat's story and no matter how longingly it looks into her eyes. She will have to decide that having a man in her life can be more fulfilling than being surrounded by furry creatures, and that the inconsistencies and transgressions of men do not make them inferior to the loyalties of animals.
A day is imminent when it will simply be me or the cats.
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